Gee, way to go with the teen-angst title there, M. Woo. Warning, don’t bother reading this.
So I’m not sure who on earth would care (and I know that anybody who does care would just be worried about me, and then I’d feel like a selfish monster for making them worry over pathetic, insignificant me), but this is how I spent the last two hours-
-SO fell asleep on the couch while we watched cartoons, and I started doodling because I’ll never be able to draw if I don’t practice (oh god who the hell am I kidding, I’ll never be able to draw, I’m a talentless motivationless piece of garbage)
-Tried to make a doodle of myself how I wish I might someday look (yeah right, I’m hideous, I’ll never look like anything better than a gross freak)
-Felt awful, made a doodle of how I feel like I really look (it was super gross, so, y’know, more accurate than any other doodle I’ve ever done, whoopdee doo)
-Went into the bathroom and cried
-Cried some more
-Felt like I’m a useless burden on everyone who knows, me no matter how remotely
-Felt even worse because there’s literally nothing useful I can do to help my non-binary SO with their depression, anxiety, asperger’s, emotional abuse issues, and shitty family, and everything I do try winds up making things worse
-Considered suicide for awhile
-Remembered that killing myself would make me more of a burden, especially to my SO who, because they can’t work due to their issues, would be forced to go back to their horrible family without me
-Spent some time being terrified that my issues will make me lose the job I’ve had for barely a week, especially because holy crap even without depression I don’t know if I can handle working there and if I lose this job we won’t be able to afford any bills (which in the short term means trying to live in a desert with no cooling and shortly after that means trying to live in the desert with no shelter)
-Spent some time staring at myself in the mirror, hating how I look and how I’m shaped and wow did I really ever believe I could possibly someday look anything like how I hoped I could, what pathetic dreams of a useless shell of a human, I truly am pathetic
-Managed to cry myself out after awhile. Tried feebly to clean myself up before tearing the most recent doodles out of my notebook, then attempting to sneak out of the bathroom to throw it out and put my drawing stuff away without waking SO
-Suceeded, but then SO woke up anyway. Tried to act non-chalant like I hadn’t been all gross and covered in tears and snot five minutes ago. SO went back to sleep and I quickly barricaded myself back in the bathroom.
So, yeah. I’m pathetic, and I hate myself, and there’s nothing I can do to change anything. I just… Ugh.
I’m gonna take a shower and go to bed. I have to try to pretend like everything’s fine in front of my SO and all my friends and my coworkers tomorrow, and I’m not totally sure I can manage it.